Friday, October 2, 2015

what happened to us, kodos?

Okay, do you remember back at the end of last year when I told you I was trying a new experiment and I would let you know if it worked out?  Well, it's working out, and this is it:

I first heard about roller derby from John--he watched it in the seventies when it was basically professional wrestling on skates.  It's much different now--not scripted, and it's a real, no-foolin' sport.  You should see the things these ladies can do on skates!  One of them can jump a folding chair.  Probably more than one!  I am very impressed by them.  Anyway, I'm having a great time and it has brought balance to my life and helped me chafe less in my traces.  I'm still in fresh meat because I am a slow learner.  It's scary and wonderful and I love it.  You guys, roller skates are fun.  If you live in or near the Ogden, UT area and want to be part of something unique and challenging and rewarding, I highly recommend it.  And if you don't live around here, chances are there's a league in your area that would love to have you.  I just googled "roller derby in Utah," and here we are.  

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

foolish earthling, totally unprepared for the effects of time travel

So as you may know, Utah is full of crazy preppers.  The Venn diagram of Mormons and preppers has a huge overlap, I'm sure.  And most Mormons don't really believe that the world is ending anytime soon, but we do like to have some things on hand, just in case.  Plus it's helpful in case of natural disasters or unemployment.  So the shelf-stable food industry is very robust here, which makes it easy to put together a supply of emergency rations.  My friends bought a book called "Meals in a Jar" that they are using for recipe inspiration, and changing out the ingredients where necessary because the lady who wrote it does not share our feelings about certain additives.

We've done taco soup and zuppa toscana so far, and they are really decent, the kind of meal you'd make on a normal day when you're a little short on time.  It's all dry ingredients so all you have to do is add water.  One quart jar will feed my family of six, not to the point of being stuffed, but full enough that you're okay, and no leftovers to worry about since probably refrigeration will not be as easily done during the End Times.

Here's what they look like:

You just scoop the stuff into the jar, put a small copy of the prep instructions on top, then seal it with a vacuum sealer, and it supposedly keeps for years and years.

Monday, September 21, 2015

it's all phone calls and telegrams, eh Angelica?

You'll be glad to know that I made some chocolate granola this morning and it is TURRIBLE, not at all like the stuff I bought from Costco.  Harrumph.  

It is still a blessed time to be alive, though, because it is BOOT WEATHER!  

Image result for kiss boots

Not this week, this week is going to be in the 80s, gross.  But last week was a dream and I clomped around in my boots like nobody's business, and yesterday for dinner we ate turkey and mashed potatoes and stuffing and squash and it was a great day.  

I have been canning meals in a jar with my friend Wendy, and now I almost have enough meals for our family to eat once a week during the rapture, provided we still have clean water and a way to heat it up.  Cool.  Speaking of the rapture, I guess there is some lady who had a dream about the world ending, and it's supposed to happen in the next week or so?  It is so hard to keep track of all the doomsday prophecies, and really what I want is just a quick out whenever it does go down for realsies.  I mean, we have our 72-hour kits and go bags, but past that point I really don't want to be around, tasty, nutritious jar meals be damned.  I have no need to watch civilization dissolve into warring tribes of rapist cannibals.  But that's just me--I'm a day person! 

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

the other day I saw a bear, a great big bear away up there

Image result for eating birthday cake gif

Did I tell you about the used Kirby vacuum we bought off the classifieds?  I think I did.  Anyway, it's the greatest vacuum ever and I love it so much.  Last week I thought, hmm, it's been a while, maybe I ought to see if the bag is getting full.  IT WAS FULL!  It was so full it was like a heavy human child.  I cradled it in my arms and rocked it back and forth for humorous purposes, but John and the kids just made faces and said I was gross.

John requested a confetti cake for his birthday, so we did a taste test of a Pillsbury Funfetti mix and a homemade white cake with sprinkles baked into it (which is all the Funfetti cake mix has).  The mix was better, and we all preferred it.  The homemade cake was delicious too, but the mix cake had such a nice, even crumb and did a better job of hitting the bliss point.  Maybe nostalgia was also a factor, I don't know, and I wouldn't extrapolate the results to apply to other homemade vs. mix cake situations, but in this specific instance, Pillsbury wins.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

she told me don't worry no more

A couple of years ago I started growing my hair out.  My friend and magic neighbor Wendy grows her hair out and donates it, and I thought that was a nice idea, so I decided to try it for myself.  Plus I was sick of my shoulder-length bob and thought it would be fun to be able to have ponytails and Willie Nelson braids for a while.  BIG MISTAKE.  It's taking forever and I hate it because it's always in the way and it's hot and messy and it gets everywhere and makes me look like a polygamist.  

So my friends and family have been making fun of me for a long time because I believe in the inevitability of Terminators, but as more and more devices have AI and start communicating with each other and making more and more of our decisions for us, I'm starting to look not so much crazy as prescient, and I want all of you to remember that when the singularity happens.  Feel free to join me in my pessimism corner:

Now will you listen to me about zombies?  Or do you insist on your benighted scoffing?  Foolish mortal:

Did I tell you about how I ate a tomato sandwich, with a tomato from my own garden, on July 3rd this year?  It was delicious and I was incredibly smug about it.  Karma has repaid my smugness in the form of a mystery animal attacking and eating almost all of my tomatoes since then--I can never get to them before the varmint does, and I have had to cut off the bitten section of so many of them.  The bites are too big for a worm and too small for a skunk.  Maybe it's an escaped fighting rooster from across the street, or a guinea fowl.  I'm very cross about it.

Why do zucchini plants stink?  I picked my only zucchini to have survived so far for lunch the other day, and my hands smelled bad for the rest of the afternoon, even after multiple washes.  This is a design flaw.

Last week as part of our reunion with John's family we went to Lagoon, a local amusement park.  Because of heat, noise, crowds, and general theme park suckiness, Lagoon can sometimes feel like one of the worst places on earth you can choose to be.  Somehow we've begun a tradition of going there as part of this reunion.  I don't know how it started, but every year John and I and some of the other parents try to shut it down with ever less tact, and we are just making no progress.  It's a mystery.  But many of the kids are old enough that they can roam the park in packs of their own, and the parents don't have to be with them every waking moment while they ride endlessly on Bulgy the Whale.  So it gets better every year, and our kids do like running around with their cousins.  So I guess Lagoon is an okay place sometimes, with occasional highs and lows.  The high was that some kind soul turned in our car keys which had fallen out of a giant hole in John's pocket.  The low was when I was on the skyride and suddenly there was a splash of some kind of yellow-brown diarrhea on my shin, I can only assume/hope from a bird.

This has been a pretty negative post, full of complaints about hair and bad smells and bugs and humanity's doom, so I will leave you with a positive image:

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

his tail lashing, he'll be smashing every shop in town

Hello, I've been busy, but not with anything terribly interesting.  I do have a newly-formed opinion I'd like to share with you.  It may be a bit divisive, and I would just ask that you respect my beliefs.  

Here we go:  you know those cheap little washcloths you can get in gift shops or the dollar store, and they have like pictures of dinosaurs or cartoon characters or whatnot on them?  Lots of times they're smooshed into an egg- or disc-shaped package?  I love those things, and let me tell you why:  their substandard terry cloth looping makes them very nubbly, and they are great for exfoliating.  I have found that the nicer/more expensive a washcloth is, the thicker the pile is, and the worse job it does at actually washing my face.  There, disagree with me if you want, but I'm the voice of reason and truth.  

A couple of weeks ago Emmett had an orthodontist appointment, and he spent some time in the waiting room reading the magazines.  We were driving home and suddenly he burst out, "Sports Illustrated is sexist!"  I said, "True, but why are you saying this?"  "The USA women's team just won the world cup, Carli Lloyd had a hat trick in the first sixteen minutes of the game--she herself scored more goals than Japan had allowed in all the other games, and they gave them like five pages!  And Serena Williams just won Wimbledon for the sixth time, and they barely mentioned it, and the rest of the magazine was about football's off season!  Nobody cares!"  He was so exercised about it, and brothers and sisters, can you imagine how my heart swelled with parental pride?  It was a beautiful moment.  

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

you will never stray for every day your Christmas dreams come true

Argh, Groceries is killing me, man!  He is the most expensive free cat I've ever had.  I took him to the vet last week because he was peeing blood--I know this because he has taken to peeing in the sink.  IN THE SINK.  On one hand, that is super gross, but on the other, the sink is not upholstery and is easily cleaned.  So it turned out he had a UTI and I paid the extra fifteen dollars to have them give him a shot rather than do the oral antibiotics, which brought the total to $106.  Money well spent, because it is worth fifteen dollars to me to not have to wrestle medicine into a cat.  But the problem is not solved, because as of this morning he is still peeing blood, and also he has tapeworms, as John discovered the other night, when he found a white, wriggling worm segment on Groceries's butt.  I am so thoroughly disgusted by this whole thing.  So back to the vet we went, where he cost us another $79, and this time I get to smash worm medicine into his food as well as give him an oral antibiotic.  He won't eat the food if there is medicine in it, by the way.  Plus he always rage-pees in the carrier when I take him to the vet, so now my clothes smell like cat pee.  Why do I have animals?