what has two thumbs and no one who represents her political views?

I know that it's not polite to discuss politics, but I guess I'm not a very polite person. I'm trying to decide how to cast my vote on Super Tuesday, so I've been reading up on all the candidates and trying to sift any worthwhile content out of the doublespeak they all have on their websites. The different voices that are used to express their positions are really interesting--I'm sure a lot of research and work has gone into the way the issues are presented, and I wonder what, if any, effect it has on the vote. A good many of them seem to have been written for a junior high audience, and I'm having difficulty finding concrete descriptions of how any of the candidates expect to effect change. There's a lot of Citizen Kang-esque twirling-towards-freedom-speak going on. It sounds like no matter who wins, it's going to be costly--whether to socialize health care or build our army of killing robots. Also, John Edwards is the only one I've found so far who even pays lip service to the idea that the Patriot Act is abominable, and you know darn well that he won't do anything to change it. Show me a politician who refuses powers that his predecessor granted him, and I'll show you . . . a Jabberwocky or some other fool thing that doesn't exist. (Sorry I always link to the wik to defend my opinions, but it's usually at the top of the search page. Shut up, I'm lazy.)

When I sit down and list the things that I want in a presidential candidate, it starts looking awfully Pollyanna-ish, and I feel despair. Because I suspect that I will find someone who has the qualities I want right about the same time that we start having doughnut snow and hot chocolate rain. Here's what I'm feeling right now:

• Edwards--despise the man, but he has such a desperate need to be liked that he may be fairly cooperative
  
• Clinton--I don't question her ability to get things done, but I don't think I agree with her means to the end
  
• Obama--such a new face that it's hard to say whether or not I agree with him
• Romney--may do a decent job
• Huckabee--HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
  
• McCain--meh
• Thompson--reminds me of my grandpa, but I suspect that he's a lot meaner
• Paul--I like the idea of a balanced budget, but he's a loony-tune

Let's take a minute to re-emphasize how much I loathe Mike Huckabee. This whole country bumpkin act of his is so offensive and insulting, and I hate 1)that he thinks we'll fall for it and 2)that so many people do. He is duplicitous and conniving and a snake oil salesman right down to his core, and a redneck to boot. The nonsense he's pulling with "oops, I didn't mean to say that" and "oh, that's not what I meant at all" and "I'm too honorable to use negative ads except for the ones that I'm going to show you right now" and he honestly sends me into a rage fugue with this Foghorn Leghorn crap.

Update: Ron Paul may hate the Patriot Act as much as I do, and that poor man has no prayer. I've given his stuff a cursory glance, and I think I agree with at least some of what he has to say--at least with what I think he's saying--but there's no way that he'll win. He has the stink of the crazy about him.