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Friday, December 5, 2008

shut up, all of these

I blame country music for the fall of Western civilization. Here's why:

Where Are You Christmas
The Christmas Shoes
It Wasn't His Child
A Baby Changes Everything

There are others, but I want to talk about examples #3 and #4 for a minute. I've noticed that there is a sort of bait-and-switch theme to a lot of country music, especially at Christmas. It's like "Oh, this guy's wife cheated on him, and is having a baby, but he's cool with it, because you didn't know this, but the baby is Jesus. Now don't you feel like a jerk, Mr. Judgy McJudgypants?" or "This teenage girl got into trouble and is having a baby, and isn't ready, but she's not even going to put it up for adoption, because you didn't know this, but the baby is Jesus. I bet now you wish you hadn't been so judgy, Mrs. Perfect McRighteousness." And I think it's grody--I was telling my sister that it reminds me of those weird Christian rock songs you read about that make you think the guy's singing about his girlfriend, but instead he's singing about his relationship with the Lord. And it seems that for a religious person that would be sort of a blasphemous way to talk about God. But what do I know? So if they want to compare Mary to an unfaithful wife or a teenage girl of loose morals, I guess that's their business. In fairness, I haven't heard all of the words of these songs, because I had to change the station. I have heard the one about the shoes, though, because the little Urchin Voices at the end are hilarious. We like to sing along in Glomer voices (remember Punky Brewster? That was a crazy cartoon.). These are the musical equivalent of spray cheese.

Country music hasn't been good for about twenty years, and hasn't been sincere for at least thirty. I realize that popular culture might disagree with me, but just because a lot of people listen to it doesn't make it right. Naked lady truck decals and novelty trailer hitch covers displaying any variation of the sentiment "Cowgirl butts drive me nuts" are not indicative of people governed by reasonable or rational thought. Shut up, country music.

Also, shut up, EPA. I'm sure this has nothing whatsoever to do with the government wanting to drive small suppliers out of business to clear the way for industrial agriculture. You guys, animal poop stinks, in case you were wondering. And global warming? Totally caused by animal farts. Let's not talk about the fact that these animals aren't supposed to be stacked nose-to-derriere in a sea of their own waste, but our insatiable appetite for meat at every meal (while I'm at it: shut up, Dr. Atkins . . . oh, wait . . . I guess you did) has created a demand for animal flesh that the earth is not capable of supporting. I promise, meat that is good for you is also good for the environment. Happy animals running around in grass, producing enough poop to fertilize your garden and enough meat to feed your family, and that's it.

Any other terrible Christmas songs that make you either switch channels or listen in mystified horror? I've got one that may be controversial: anything sung by Josh Groban.

5 comments:

Jenny said...

Oooo- gotta disagree on this one. I, for one, love country music, but not particularly christmas country music. On the whole, there are a lot of crap songs out there, but there are also a lot of good ones too. However, I haven't really listened to the radio much in the last few years because Voice Male and High School musical is about all we listen to, ever. But I will say this- I've never cried over Mariah Carey, ha! And the global warming thing, I agree. Another contributor apparently are inhalers, such as the ones I use for my asthma. They have just discontinued the old kind and made new ones with a new delivery system that is supposed to cut down on global warming. Excuse me? People are all worried about that, but seem to be perfectly fine letting me shoot it into my mouth and down my lungs!!! Jerks! Anyways, have a lovely, husband-empty weekend. Hope you survive...I'm a little concerned about my sanity this weekend! Oh, and the next few weeks. Merry Christmas. That's what we get for being married to super stars.

All8 said...

My mom had an Alabama Christmas album that I seem to remember enjoying. Of course that was about 20 years ago or so. I'm not a country music fan but Ambrose is being converted. Don't know what to think about that. I like Patsy Cline though.

Hey, you know, the EPA is just looking out for all of us (hee hee hee) thinking about creating more jobs, ya know. Somebody will have to count all of the animal "emissions". (BAHhaaahaaaa......) I think that for someone to create policy about animals, farms, and agriculture, they need to have extensive experience before they even put pen to paper. Idiots. Reminds me of the NAIS stuff. They all are conspiring men that spin it to seem like a good idea but in the end people lose rights and go hungry. Idiots.

Bamamoma said...

TOTALLY agree about the country music and especially the Christian-pop and Christmas stuff. A HUGE pet peeve of mine has always been the whole I'm singing about my love and when we get to the last verse you'll find out that my love is the Lord. Yeah, I think blasphemous AND wrong. At YWs this week we had this debate about the Shoes song. Unfortunately we are in the minority (esp. out her in 'bama land). I don't EVER listen to country but Phil said (just yesterday) that he found a country radio station doing all Christmas right now. UGH! His car radio can play that ... not mine!

Sorry you guys have to be VM widows this weekend/month. We're excited to be joining you next weekend!

Bamamoma said...

did I mention that I think my blog has a crush on your blog? yup.

mmm.chocolate said...

I've missed your frequent updates so. I made your Blue Ribbon Ginger Bends for the third time and I think I'm finally starting to get them right. They are so yummy! I'm trying to work up my nerve to try the (24-hour) Dutch oven bread. I totally agree -- shut up Country music! And, you are right, this is not the same stuff my dad use to change the oil to.