Wednesday, January 21, 2009

freaking kids

Hey, parents out there! How many of you are looking for new and exciting ways to fight with your kids? Are you spending less time nagging than you would like? Gosh, I am. So I thought, heck, let's start them in piano lessons! Because nothing puts the cherry on top of a day of laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning and errand running quite like hearing your 8 year old plunk out the same tune he's avoided practicing for two weeks and complain that he hates the piano. And the best thing is, you get to hear it every day. For only $7.50 a week. I know, bargain deal. Some of you out there may already have your children in piano lessons and are supping of the fruits of your labors as we speak. Or some of you (Jenny) may have children who actually enjoy playing the piano. You unlucky souls will have to be more creative. Try a different instrument--the accordion or the harp is worth looking into. Maybe the cello. Or perhaps your child hates reading--you can make that your cause. But those are the easy ones, the low-hanging fruit. What about parents who were cursed with compliant children who are difficult to provoke? What are they to do to add stress and conflict to their lives? Here are a few ideas off the top of my head--they have worked great for me and other mothers I know.

  • Why does your hair look like that?
  • Are those the same socks you wore yesterday?
  • Have you fed the goats?
  • Did you take the slop bucket out to the chickens?
  • The bus is coming! The bus is coming! THE BUS IS COMING! RUN! RUN! RUUUUNNN!
  • No, you can't wear makeup.
  • I'm not doing your hair anymore.
  • Did you make your bed?
  • Did you brush your teeth?
  • Did you punch him? Go sit on the stairs.
  • Why did you get sent to the principal's office again?
  • Don't tuck your t-shirt into your pants.
  • You can't wear irrigation boots to school.
Bottom line, if you really care about getting some nice frown lines between your eyebrows, you're going to have to work for it. Rome wasn't built in a day, after all.

And the good news is, even if you move to a backwater cow town, eschewing the things of man, and "chucking it," as one might say, you, too can achieve maximum levels of strife and misery within the walls of your very own home. Some things are just too important to miss.


Sarah said...

My personal specialties include clothing and food nagging. I'll illustrate: No, you can't eat that cookie. Eat your spinach. No, you can't wear that dress again. If you're going to wear THAT dress, you have to wear something underneath...because it's a summer dress...because I said so. I'm really looking forward to a day when I can put her in lessons and such. Mostly because she LOVES to hold still, and follow directions. It'll be good times.

tipsybaker said...

Wait, what is this $7.50-a-week business? Is that the cost of a piano lesson where you live?
Yes, piano lessons are a black hole indeed. And yet I remain convinced they are a good thing to do. Crazy, right?

All8 said...

Better yet, have them go to a school where only 4 instruments are allowed for the band and none of them are the desired one. Ah, the joy of getting them to practice.

highdeekay said...

Off topic:
the WORD VERIFICATION if I leave a comment is "fakin" how perfect! That is exactly how I feel as a mom sometimes. I'm so fakin' it!

On topic:
although I recognize that milk is not the worst thing in the world, Eden would live on it and so many of our meltdowns follow the words: "no, no more milk until bedtime."

Amy said...

Ahhh . . . the joys of piano practice. I think I've been able to make my eight-year-old cry every day for past six months. Love it!


and to think i am still saying all that to my 16 year old!!