Thursday, March 5, 2009

abnormally inflated self worth

A few years ago, in those halcyon days of yore before there was a Cheesecake Factory in Utah, there was an article published in I don't remember which newspaper that said the Cheesecake Factory would not be coming to the Gateway, which was still under construction, because Salt Lake's population was not well enough educated.

Wow. This is awkward. So, Cheesecake Factory . . . you guys know you're a chain restaurant, right? Like, no marginally reputable newspaper would be allowed to review you? That you are Applebee's older sister who has just read The Bell Jar and it totally changed your life? And you realize that there is already a Cheesecake Factory in Las Vegas, which is almost entirely populated by homeless people, strippers, and overweight tourists? Where did you get the idea that you are a thing?

I've been to the Cheesecake Factory in Seattle, and I remember being underwhelmed. The menu is War and Peace-sized, with no real cohesion or adherence to any particular genre. And you know what they say about a Jack of all trades. It's not bad food, but like, they need to not be thinking they're Babbo.

And in case they didn't realize it by now, what with the lines out the door even on weeknights, they should know that if there's anything Utahns love, it's mediocre chain food that they can get in big cities. It makes them feel all classy-like. People in this state have a weird inferiority complex which causes them to disparage quality, local, single-site restaurants in favor of whatever chain a rube Utah developer has bent over backwards trying to lure here from the last place he went on vacation. It's not education, it's the population's upward mobility and desire to appear more sophisticated. How this perception of chain food as sophisticated came to be, I have no idea.

The reason I say this is because John went to the Cheesecake Factory last night for a meeting and brought me home a tall piece of chocolate cake. And it had better be some decent cake, because any doofus can master a dense, rich, chocolate cake and reproduce it until doomsday. Frigging weirdos with their bizarre ideas of their own importance.


highdeekay said...

I've never been to the cheesecake factory but actually have plans to go this month with "the girls." They tell me I am not living life to the fullest since I've never been. None of these girls are Utahns and the most vociferous is not LDS so I don't know what mind-powers the factory has but it must be sumthin.

I'll report back and I will try my best to remain free from said powers.

Layne said...

Fight the power, Heidi. Fight the power.

tipsybaker said...

I finally went to the Cheesecake Factory last year, dragged by my daughter and propelled by curiosity. It wasn't awful, but it had advertisements in the menu -- I believe they were for plastic surgery. Very classy.