Thursday, May 6, 2010

everyone's laughing and riding and cornholing except buster

Something you might not know about Mormons is that we're way into preparing for the End Times. Not in a rocketship-to-the-sun/poisonous Kool-Aid kind of way, just in the food-hoardin'/gun-totin' way. Not all of us with the gun part--but you never know which of us do have the guns, so it's best not to assume you can shelter-crash us in the event of a disaster. Except you can probably totally tell which of us have the guns, because it's my experience that those sorts of people have other . . . qualities . . . that give it away. We won't get into that right now, other than camo hats are a bad sign. For you.

But back to business. Did you know that it takes up tons of space to hoard food? And that buckets of wheat are so heavy? And that canned pears are sick? It's true. Who needs it?John and I figure there are certain commodities that either don't go bad, or get better with age, so we're skipping all that wheat and rice garbage and just stockpiling Jack Daniels and cigarettes, because man, when you want a cig, you want a cig, am I right? We'll probably hedge our bets, since at first people around here will still be following the Word of Wisdom, and for that early stage we've got a big stash of Diet Coke and Twinkies. And we can trade it for the stuff we want! We also have chocolate.

Remember us when the Rapture comes!


All8 said...

You and my FIL would have much to discuss. He planted blackberries and is presently researching growing tobacco, just so that he could make his own.

I, personally disagree with the theory. You don't see many starving Ethiopians imbibing. YKWIM

kacy faulconer said...

Could you make a chart for me? So I know what and how much to store? Because I don't have a wheat grinder.