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Sunday, May 23, 2010

though she was born a long, long time ago

Holy Moses. Let me tell you about what it's like with these kittens. First things first: I DID NOT THROW AWAY A LIVE KITTEN. Rex was stiff and unresponsive when I threw him away. I don't know how we got the reanimating Black Cauldron garbage can, but that's how it was, and I am not a kitten murderer. My word, you guys.

Taking care of them is not fun. They're cute, they purr, Groceries looks like a tiny bear, and they smell nice now. Most of the time I don't mind them. But all of the time I can't wait to be shut of them. Mainly because these doofuses don't even know how to poop on their own--evidently that is a model-wide flaw with no upgrade on the horizon--so every time I feed them I have to get a damp paper towel and fiddle around with their anuses until they poop. I am, of all things, a cat poop whisperer, and I resent them for debasing me in this way. I know, you're thinking, "Layne, you are a hero. You are an angel walking among us with the way that you selflessly serve those orphaned kittens. We bask in your radiance." Yeah, that's great, but mostly I wish I didn't have to manually stimulate cat bottoms. Rex has been withholding his feces to the point that he looks like a tiny, hairy, malnourished child with his distended belly. It is comical and disgraceful that I am intimately familiar with the consistency and frequency of the stools of a cat who doesn't even technically belong to me.

Also, Groceries has somehow forgotten how to drink from the bottle, and so I thought, "Great! He can start drinking from a dish!" Nope. He just stomps all over in it like, "This smells great, and I have it on my face, but how do I get it in me?"

In other cat news, the remaining feral cats, which have curiously increased in number since we began trapping, have declared war on us, we think, and have begun vengeance pooping all over the garage. I really am about to cry with frustration because they're making Skiver sick and attacking him and we can't figure out how to get rid of them, because they're like the quail in the Bible, knee-deep for miles around. Only we can't eat them, so they're more like those snakehead fish. Except I guess you can eat a snakehead, but you know what I mean. I don't want them around.

2 comments:

richvm said...

This whole post reminds me of why a bag of kittens at the bottom of a river was a very acceptable solution over the past century. so please, spay, neuter and/or bag your pets. I watched more than one family drop their dog off on a country road with no thought of the bullet or livestock it would soon eat.

Nate said...

Wait, so why did you throw away a live kitten? Am I understanding this story right? You threw away a living kitten that was alive?