Thursday, June 3, 2010

every girl out wants to be her, but they look the same already, why adjust?

When I worked at Waterford a man came to sell the art department a new printer or copier or something, and he told them that if they messed up the settings they'd get what the artists would later describe as "real shiddy color." They spelled it like that because he said it like that.

Well, yesterday was a real shiddy day (sorry about the sweary homophone, mom). I'll spare you the details of the late start, slow chores, missed breakfast, hundred mile dress and shoes search, and tell you about my nervous breakdown. Our second son, the one we call The Hulk (because you won't like him when he's angry) is being baptized on Saturday, and naturally afterwards we're having a party for all the attendees. So I'm figuring out how to feed fifty or so people, and I'm having an existential dilemma about buying bread and lunch meat to make sandwiches. It's taking up so much of my processing space that I can't even perform simple tasks--I've been rendered totally incompetent by the back-and-forth of I should buy the food/I should make the food/buying food is lazy/being stuck in the kitchen preparing food all day instead of visiting with my family is stupid/if I were worth anything I would be able to do both food prep and visiting/I don't feel like making sandwich rolls for fifty people/well, Sarah made all the bread for her baby's blessing dinner, so what's wrong with you? (sorry, Sarah, you know I love you, but you've got some pretty big figurative shoes)/if I make my own bread or rolls, that means I have to slice them all and I don't want to!/so you like eating plastic, and think your friends and family should, too? nice/I don't want to cook a ton of meat and slice it myself/well, deli meat is basically poison/this is overkill/is it? or are you just lazy?/stop bossing me around!/stop being a slob!/you shut up!/no, YOU shut up!/nag!/whore!

It's exhausting. I've considered quiche, crepes, pork tacos, brisket, pot roast, meat loaf, and a panoply of other meals, most of them highly unsuitable for the situation. And now I've spent so much time worrying about it that I have no time to do anything but go back to the first plan of poison sandwiches on plastic bread. Neat. I feel so great about it.


Sarah said...

Ok, so I'm cracking up. In part because I've totally had a face-off with myself that sounded ridiculously similar to your own. But also because the only reason I tried to make bread once for the whole family gathering was because I have people like you and Emily to live up to. Sheesh, THOSE are some big shoes! And I might also point out, that I made several loaves of no-knead, easy pants bread, but most of it went unused because your rolls were the gold medal winners of deliciousness, and my bread finished somewhere in 57th or 58th, I believe.

Anyhoo, what I'm sayin' here is: We will all LOVE (and survive) eating store-bought bread and nitratey lunch meat - because it tastes good, and most of us eat it all the time anyway. And we will still know in our hearts that you are the creme de la creme of the kitchen.

tipsybaker said...

Big Pioneer Woman braisey thing. Some no knead bread. I think you can do it. NOT that there's anything wrong with luncheon meats, but if it's going to ruin your day. Plus, you have to assemble luncheon meats prettily, whereas with a braise you just put it out there.
Except, maybe it's hot where you are in which case no on the braise.

kacy faulconer said...

I used to work at Waterford. Everyone there hated me. Because I'm incompetent.

Jill said...

Just serve only water at the meal and call it a "theme" luncheon.

Plus, people are there to support the blessed event of your son. They are not there to feast upon your bountious blessings....unless they read your blog, then they will be expecting quite a bit. :-) Good luck!