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Thursday, October 28, 2010

from beneath you it devours

After reading this interview, specifically this sentence:

"My focus began to shift to figuring out how to make a pastry healthier for the kids while maintaining the flavor and structure that I was accustomed to."

how could I not buy this book? The one I wanted so long ago and still haven't gotten? Well, that's that. I'm buying it today. I'll call it groceries or something. Not Groceries, groceries. Groceries with an uppercase G looks like this:
I can see how it would be easy to get the two confused, though.

I think Skiver is dying. It's upsetting. He looks and feels like a hairy skeleton . . . sort of like newly grown antlers on a caribou, maybe. I think it's his kidneys.

Monday, October 25, 2010

could we have kippers for breakfast, mummy dear, mummy dear?

Maybe some of you thought I was lying about the white alligators. We also found a house elf in the airport.

It makes me laugh when I see new parents trying to reason with their toddlers. We all do it, but it sure looks funny from the outside. The parent's all, "Bodkin, why did you spit on your brother? Hoosfoos, would you like it if someone bit you?" And the kid's like, "Umm, I'm two. I'm just going to keep throwing poop, if that's okay." Because it's basically like trying to converse with a gibbon. I get that all the time with my kids. I keep forgetting that they're not rational.

Friday, October 22, 2010

they're calling it remoulade, but it tastes a whole lot like fry sauce to me

I have a doctor's appointment today, and this guy has the most boring magazines. I like to use my time at the doctor to catch up on my smut, and how am I supposed to do that when they're only stocking garbage like educational pamphlets and RV Life? It's a real struggle.

Since we're getting our fancy new goat for next spring, I've decided to cut way, way down on the garden. You should see the shocking disarray of our vegetable garden right now. And after last year was so beautiful and well-tended! Now it's all wild, evil fruit, and I'm going to have to cleanse it with fire or something. Yuck. So next year, the only givens in the garden are tomatoes and zucchini. Everything else has to submit a notarized request in triplicate, keeping the goldenrod copy for their personal records. Pink goes to HR, white goes into their permanent file. I wish I were a better person, but as it is, I can't do kidding and gardening in the same year, especially when kidding next spring is also going to mean milking. Finally. I'm stoked. You guys think I'm lying, but milking is such a relaxing activity. It's the setup and takedown that are no fun.

Question: do you have a down comforter? If not, you should get one. If so, can you imagine life without it? I can't. I'd rather gut a fish with my mouth than live without down. For real.

Monday, October 18, 2010

it's laserbeak! run, windcharger!

Want to hear about our vacation? I will oblige. Technically this falls under the heading of "family outings" and belongs over on Sehr Laut, so I will be briefish. LIE!

First off: Florida, I am sorry, but you are not as magical as Oregon or California. I think that the TWELVE-hour drive to California and the FOURTEEN-hour drive to Oregon served the purpose of making us so very, very thankful to get out of the car that we could have ended up in Urinetown and still felt as though the sun shone only for us. Also a hellishly long drive with four children bonds you all together like infantrymen, and I seem to remember there being a lot more camaraderie and a lot less sniping and yelling and base ingratitude on our California and Oregon vacations.

But aside from that, our trip was wunderbar. Florida has such gorgeous, balmy water, and the beach had soft, compliant sand, and John only saw one shark as big as his arm. We went to Gatorland and saw monstrous alligators--even some white ones! Not albino, but leucistic, which is way more rare and gives them blue eyes. They're super fierce. We went to Islands of Adventure and experienced Wizarding Worldish things, which were fun and a little bit scary (dementors!), and we wanted to buy a Marauder's Map, but they cost fitty dollars! Gougers! We went to Typhoon Lagoon and went snorkeling in their big saltwater tank and I did not have a (very big) panic attack.

Pinga peed the plane going to and from, and also the rental van while I was in the Great Satan buying a car seat for her on the Sabbath Day (confluence of wrongnesses), since I had forgotten our own car seat. But she is in diapers! How is this accomplished? Three times? I don't know. All I know is the pee came burbling up out of the diaper and went everywhere. Upsetting.

We ate some she-crab soup that was pretty much life changing. I can't explain it to you.

welcome back, welcome back, welcome ba-a-ack

It's not a secret that I have a laundry problem. If you've ever been to my house you've seen the baskets full of clean, dry, unfolded laundry sitting on the table, or the buffet, or the couch. If you haven't seen them it means we were showing off for you and we hid the baskets in our bedroom or in the office. We call that shame hiding. When we are expecting guests we always set aside 5-10 minutes to shame hide before their arrival.

I think I've told you that I don't even bother with socks anymore. We just keep them in a basket always, and here's why: when John was in MBA school one of his professors would ask, "Is it Coke or toilet paper?" If you have a bunch of toilet paper, it's not going to change the rate at which you use it, but if you have a bunch of Coke, you're going to go through it much more rapidly, and use it all up. So it doesn't make sense to buy a big supply of Coke, no matter how on sale it is. At our house socks are Coke. If we keep them jumbled in a basket, the kids have to ferret around in the basket to find a matching pair, and it's a hassle, and they don't want to do it any more than they're forced to. But if I sort and pair all of the socks and put them in the kids' drawers, then they'll go through two or three pairs a day because they take their shoes and socks off every time I turn my back and string them all over the house and lose them and think, "No big, I'll just get another pair out of my drawer." That's bull plop.

And if you were curious, lace-up boots are totally a thing, just like I said they would be, and I saw the cutest pair in Cocoa that were black leather and grey canvas . . . not the right size, though.

Skiver is not dead, Rex and Groceries are furry and healthy, and the goats are in good temper. The chickens all seem to be alive as well, but there are so many of them it's hard to tell. Groceries especially is looking good--he has been laboring on his carriage during our absence, and he is a ponderous cat.

Friday, October 8, 2010

I told you getting pregnant at fifteen would pay off eventually

Here are a couple of food adventures we had recently.

When I was milking my neighbor's goats for a week I made some chevre that was, according to John, my best ever. Roasted garlic flavor. We couldn't eat it all and had to give it to the chickens when it got all furry. Hard cheese I'll wash off and carry on, but soft cheese . . . that's not as cool.
Also I got drunk with power one night and attempted a party-size omelet. It was a disaster.
My parents brought home some lobsters from Maine, and we had a 'strornry big lobster boil on Sunday. No pictures, sorry. It would just make you jealous, anyway, because you wish YOU could be eating some ocean floor scavengers of your own. Lobsters are sort of like the pigs of the sea, I guess, because they parteth the hoof, but they cheweth not the cud.

John and I watched the pilot of Raising Hope while we were packing last night and laughed ourselves silly. We had to stop it and backtrack to listen again during one part, and we've only ever done that with 30 Rock and maybe Community. I know none of you had the love for the Sarah Connor Chronicles that we did (thanks for getting it cancelled, jerks), but Cromartie/John Henry is superb as the father. Something Dillahunt . . . Garret. Thanks, Wikipedia!

Do you think the fact that I just googled "how long does it take a body to decompose" will count against me at my insanity hearing? Nah, I didn't think so. I just want to know, because I've made my kids promise not to embalm me.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

they can cry themselves to sleep on their huge piles of money

Thoughts upon reading this article:
1. Ah, vengeance is sweet.
2. I feel bad for all the farmers they've snookered into buying their products.
3. Who would ever have imagined that living organisms would adapt to their environment?
4. Here's to financial ruin!
5. If only it meant the end for real.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I'm not your friend

We're leaving for Florida this weekend. If any of you are thinking about robbing us while we're gone, you probably shouldn't, and here's why:
1. We don't have any nice stuff.
2. Our next-door neighbor is good at shooting and killing things. He also has experience with butchering pigs, which, as you know, are very anatomically similar to humans. Just saying.

While we're in Florida we're going to Islands of Adventure. I can't even talk about the Wizarding World without dissolving into grunts and squeals of excitement, and launching into an impassioned lecture about the Eternal Themes Within the Harry Potter Series; i.e. Good vs. Evil, Agency vs. Coercion, Creation vs. Destruction, ad nauseam. I'm a hoot at parties. Ask me about Madeline L'Engle, I dares ya.

Ugh, I read I Am Legend last night, and sure enough, it broke me even worse. This is what I know about the future: no matter what, it's going to be ugly. Take your pick of terminators, vampiris bacteria, cloned dinosaurs, nuclear winter, blood cults, the four horsemen . . . it's going to be a bumpy ride. So looking forward to it.

Monday, October 4, 2010

is it conquest or pestilence? why is there no consensus?

Every time I chew a piece of gum I chew it really fast at first, and get all the flavor out. I just like it so much that I don't take the time to savor it. It would be better if I weren't so impatient.

I think I'm going to have to start keeping a loaf of bread and some shelf-stable peanut butter and jelly in the car.

On the way to my kids' school there is a dead and bloated Border Collie. I have never seen what happens at the end of this--does a bloated animal eventually explode?

My shirt finally arrived, and now I can show you what it looks like. It is here.

Friday, October 1, 2010

would a snoop dogg cameo rap make you extremely likely, somewhat likely, somewhat unlikely, or extremely unlikely to buy this single?

I was going to film the lancing of Traci's abscess yesterday for you guys, but I forgot. Sorry! But it's okay, because there wasn't even any pus, so it wouldn't have been very exciting. What the vet thinks happened is a bit of June grass worked its way down into her neck. He found a bunch of it way back in her cheeks, too. Poor Traci. She behaved very well, even though he was cutting into her throat and making her bleed all over the place. It took all three of us to restrain her, but considering the circumstances, I think that's understandable. And she didn't yell at all, not like some I could mention (Edna).

I feel bad for Katy Perry. I know she's just trying to be cool and popular and represent the zeitgeist and everything, but whenever I hear her music I just hear a girl who resents her parents and her churchy upbringing and is whacking clumsily away at all of it with a wooden sword. Her lyrics are so awkward and ugly . . . there's no seduction, no allure there. I mean, she gets it done anyway, because partial nudity and autotuned dancey beats make up for a lot. But you can see her counting. Like an amateur production of Swan Lake; the steps may be there and correct, but you can see the dancers going, "Move here two three, turn two three, leap two three, leap two three, leap two three." Every move is calculated, not organic and instinctual. I hate it when things feel focus grouped.

Except for my four little ponies of the apocalypse shirt, which still isn't here.

I'm eating Angelus peaches this week. A little nervous about it. But so far they haven't murdered my family to drive me insane. Maybe they have been cursed with a soul?