Thursday, January 20, 2011

I can do it quicker, and get even sicker

I have a couple of eyelashes in each eye that grow all cattywampus. I don't know if an eyelash curler would help with this, but I'm betting not. They're more like heavy-gauge wire than eyelashes, and they are resistant to tampering. So every few months I have to yank them out with the tweezers. It hurts more than eyebrow hair, but less than some other kinds of hair.

We had a guest stay here last night, but I didn't find out he was coming until eleven o'clock, so the shame hiding was minimal. I did vacuum the parlor rug, and the cats sleep outside at night now, so neither of them ate his face. So there's that.

Have you ever forgotten to brush your teeth? I don't think I could. I've forgotten to put on deodorant literally tens of times, but I obsess about my teeth (hence the gum graft) and could never neglect them. When I was dating John it was a real struggle for me to get over the fact that he has a filling in every tooth (his dentist was a crook), and that he'd had to correct his terrible buck teeth with braces. In the eighteenth century we would have been star-crossed lovers and our romance would never have worked, but in this day and age of available, affordable orthodontia I was willing to settle. And luckily John was willing to settle for me and all my flaws (gluttony, greed, sloth, envy, wrath, pride and lust--they are not a big deal). That, children, is the secret to our undying love: we settled! It also helps that John is tall and funny and I am a good cook.

I hear from a reputable source that Liquid Nails is like the Windex of building, so I want someone to explain to me in simple, elementary concepts why I couldn't attach my tile to the cement board with Liquid Nails. Wouldn't that make it more pliable and less likely to crack if the tub is super full of water and person? I want to try it, but I don't want to spend the money to find out it's a stupid idea.

For some reason (climate change all will die) our snow has all melted away already, which makes me feel anxious about the summer. The life of a farmer, even a gentleman farmer, is fraught with worry and stress about feast or famine conditions. The happiest farmers--those who don't end up in the hospital with hypertension or worse--are those who are incurably obtuse, and those who are able to stoically adapt to ruinous setbacks.

Have you heard of Clearwater disease? It's super scary and affects mainly sheep. Sheep ranchers have to make sure there's no standing clear water on their range, or the sheep will bend down to drink and see their reflections, realize they're sheep, and die. HA HA HA HA HAAAAA.


Amy said...

Sorry, I can't help you with the liquid nails question. But, thank you for the chuckle. I can't stop thinking about the settling soul mates episode of 30 Rock. Ha ha!

You already know you are not a fluffy Mormon Mommy Blogger. Your wit, wisdom and vocabulary are, at times, intimidating. While it is fun to see Nie's perfectly ordered home or Soule Mama's endless well spring of energy and creativity (she fits the mold of Mormon Mommy Blogger, yet she isn't even a Mormon), your blog is definitely at the top of my list.

highdeekay said...

What kind of tile are you putting down? I'll ask my all-knowing-ones.