Friday, August 12, 2011

is there nothing I can take to relieve this bellyache

I was worried at first that maybe Hellboy ate the cats, but I'm relieved to know that is not the case.

Whenever I see a bald guy with a beard wearing Transitions lenses I assume he's a pervert.

Those wire cage thingies at the bottom of cold pack canners are dumb. They're hard to use, and they just make the jars sit funny. Spend the two bucks and buy a jar lifter.

I made pickles by myself for the first time today. I have always scrounged off my mom before, but today I took the leap. The kids helped stuff the jars and put dill and garlic in them. If they turn out crappy I'm blaming the kids.

My sister Claire is coming home to visit next week, and I asked her to bring me some of that Trader Joe's O-shaped pasta, because I love funky shapes of pasta, and her Trader Joe's doesn't have them! What a rip. In New York last year when Claire and I went to the Chelsea Market I bought some mushroom-shaped pasta at Buon Italia that was the cutest thing you could ever hope to see.

There are people out there who make me wonder how they do it all--garden, preserve, homeschool, clean the house, parent kindly and patiently--and then I remember that they aren't funny. They're so freaking earnest and starry-eyed they make me want to barf. My sense of humor has cost me a lot, mainly meaningful relationships with people who would have a softening effect on my caustic personality.

I saw one of those idiotic copy-paste pledges on Facebook a while ago that was lecturing us to not take other people's rights away if we don't want our own taken away, and as an example it used, "Don't like pornography? Don't watch it." Right. Because aside from the fact that it makes people less sympathetic, less humane, and more bestial, I guess pornography is a victimless crime that doesn't infringe upon the rights of others. Because countless women and children aren't abused and tortured every year just so some piece of human garbage can fulfill his selfish desires. Good night, people are stupid. Do they even know how to read anymore?

If the climate change findings really were falsified, that is terribly upsetting. I don't know why the only voices on the issue are extremists who are so rabid about their position that they're willing to lie to get their way. Can't we all just agree that however the polar bears met their untimely end doesn't matter, because we are still pretty poor stewards of the earth? Can't we just do better and stop ruining the only place we have to keep all our stuff?

Sometimes I want to judge my fellow church members for taking their five-year-olds to violent movies. But then I remember that I have bourbon in my food storage. Agree to disagree!


Marsha said...

I am increasingly fond of your sense of humor and your caustic personality as expressed in this blog - it heartens me to read your honestly expressed (and hysterically funny) thoughts. Plus, you think about a lot of things that I think about. Thanks again.

Jennifer May said...

Just so you know....Your personality and sense of humor is why we like you. I love people who say it like it is (maybe because i have been accused of being blunt, hurt my feeling *sniff sniff*)...but i say....don't lie....tell the truth....nicely....but TELL THE TRUTH. Sorry for the rant, I think it is refreshing in this day and age for people to tell things like they really are, not wrapped up in glitter and crap :) Sometimes it is nice not to have to guess what people are really thinking and feeling, I wear it all on my sleeve! Maybe we are slightly related...I wonder who we get it from??

Battle On Zena!