Sunday, February 5, 2012

I don't wanna hurt nobody but the bee has got to sting

I bought a juicer out of the classifieds this week. It's a Champion masticating juicer, for the discerning consumer, but I'm going to call it the Juice Tiger. I bought it for all of us, but I think the person who will (hopefully) benefit the most from it is Willa. She needs the live juice of real, actual fruits and vegetables like you would not believe. Willa, as I may have mentioned before, is the worst eater in our entire family, maybe the entire world. The absolute worst. She would subsist entirely on sugar and Crisco if it were available to her. She only begrudgingly eats here (while whining about how cold and hungry she is), and is able to fast like a camel in between visits to houses where she can eat junk, where she binges like she's going to the Bulimia Olympics. I hate to think what she would look like if she lived next door, because WOOF. I can't let her go over there anymore, because whenever I do she eats Doritos and Twinkies by the bagful, and watches videos of vampires and werewolves having sex, if her last visit over there is an indicator. Sometimes I really wish we lived in the absolute rear end of nowhere with no neighbors whatsoever.

If any of you are good at internet faith healing I'm interested in having my hips not ache anymore. I don't know if it's rheumatoid arthritis or what, but I'm not getting all gnarled and deformed, so probably not. Dr. Internet has given me very few plausible diagnoses.