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Sunday, September 16, 2012

charlie charlie butcher boy, seeking for a trade

I was going to make chicken pot pie for dinner today, and then I was like, "Idiot!  You can have chicken pot pie anytime!  Tomatoes are a fleeting wisp!"  So we had BLTs, but really whenever I say that I mean BTs.  The L is stupid and just dilutes the flavor.  It is a waste.  I will accept (melted) cheese or avocado or spinach in its place, but the true sandwich is the BT.

I'm buying a book that uses superheroes to teach physics to children.  I saw a thing about it on a blog, and my mother heart told me to buy it for my kids.  They will be brilliant now, so you'd better bring it if you're going to beat us at the science fair.  Lie.  My kids don't do the science fair, because of the part where they'd have to start working on their project sometime earlier than the night before the fair.  And also I don't do my kids' homework, which means: no science fair.  Look, we've all been to science fairs, and we all know that a bunch of those kids were only marginally involved in the project.  I just feel bad that their parents have to lie and live vicariously in such a stupid way.  I guess it beats cheerleader moms and football dads trying to recapture their glory days through their children.  I am so prejudiced against cheerleading and drill team and football.  Probably because I am such a big nerd.  I have a lot of opinions about how people ought and ought not to raise their children. I hope they work for my kids, or I am going to look super dumb when Grant is thirty and living at home and teaching himself guitar once he wakes up at eleven, Emmett has joined the new Hitler Youth, Ike is a Brony, and I'm raising my grandchildren because Willa has joined a commune of Wiccans.

Sometimes when I'm listening to the Friday News Roundup (I love Moises Naim! He reminds me of that puma on Creature Comforts who wants to eat fresh meat.  I hope that doesn't mean I'm racist.), and they're talking about the Middle East, I wonder if the panelists just tell their brains "Run Middle East diplomacy discussion program," and then go into some light REM sleep while they have the discussion, and then an hour later when they've all said the same things that we've all been saying since dirt was invented, the panelists wake up and go on with their day.  I really wonder.

I have eaten so many plums today you don't even know.

I had to speak in church and I was worried I was going to wet my pants.

Disneyland in two weeks!  I think we'll try to sell our wethers before we leave.  See how I have to stop calling them by name, so I can get the emotional distance required to sell them? I hate this part.  But I'd rather them be white packages than forlorn, lonely little ditch goats that nobody loves.  Oh, Tex!  Buddy!  I don't even care about Oweth.  He's weird.  But Tex and Qui-Gon are such dear little boys.  Batman Flowers is sweet, too, but he's getting sort of ugly.  I'm very shallow.

I keep getting terrible Charlie Horses, so I guess it's time to up my banana intake.  I love that colloquialism.  Isn't English fun?  That's another thing I've done for my kids--increased my incidence of Charlie Horses.  I hope they understand how selfless I am. 

3 comments:

tipsybaker said...

If I'd driven to Utah I would have bought one of your wethers and taken him home as a pet. They were SO CUTE. I have never seen such eyes on goats.

All8 said...

Eat your bananas. I also took some calcium and magnesium before bed. They seemed to help.

Hope you enjoy Disneyland.

Kacy Faulconer said...

I think we might see each other at Disneyland. Say hi.