Wednesday, September 26, 2012

I'm starting to wonder if those letters are even real

I just do not understand how it is that there are teachers who suck so bad at discipline that they have to paddle their students.  Do you sometimes feel like the South (and Texas, which Beckster informs me is not the same thing--though they both love paddling, so Beckster, are you lying to me?) is a totally foreign culture? I've got to think the South (and Texas) has some powerful weak parenting if this kind of nonsense seems necessary. 

Women, we need to stop freaking out when someone uses the term "forcible rape."  I keep reading capsy comments in the vein of: LIKE THERE'S ANY OTHER KIND.  Yes, there is another kind of rape, and many, okay, some people who use the term "forcible rape" are just trying to differentiate between non-consensual sex (forcible rape), and consensual sex involving a person who is cognitively incapable of understanding the ramifications of their decision to have sex (statutory rape).  Let's listen to some of their other comments before we decide they're part of the War on Women.  A fire-breathing overreaction just delegitimizes our other complaints. 

Let me tell you about yesterday.  I woke up, and the kids were awful and Grant has been starving the goats for days, and we were combing hair, reading scriptures, having family prayer, shouting and backtalking and arguing as the bus made its inexorable approach from our neighbor's house to ours, and I spat bitterly, "THANKS FOR THE GREAT MORNING, YOU GUYS.  I REALLY ENJOYED IT," then as sincerely as I could muster "I love you!  Have a good day!"  as they scrambled to catch the bus before it left.  Then I cried on my bed for a while because John was going to work and leaving me with two days' worth of dishes, and I feel like I've been the only one doing dishes lately, and I've got PTA with horrible meetings and copies to make all the time and no president-elect, and as the YW pres I've got to figure out how to turn my girls into the warrior goddesses they're supposed to be, and I can't eat sweets like I want to because they give me multi-hour, medication-impervious headaches and I still haven't dared to go get a new IUD because I'm afraid that I'll go into an anemic coma (is there such a thing?) on my first period, but I called both Emily and Sarah's gynecologists, because I want a woman doctor to discuss my neurotic irrational fears with, and my ob/gyn who delivered Willa is okay, but sort of skeevy, and OF COURSE neither of them is accepting new patients, and then I ruined one of my new shirts by splashing it with the hot chocolate that I didn't even get to drink, and meanwhile, I keep gaining weight, even though I eat sensibly, have increased my activity, and NO LONGER EAT SUGAR SORT OF, and believe me when I say that I was ready to self-mutilate yesterday.  But then I texted John (after he'd seen my morning crying jag and fielded a number of dramatic, tearful calls from me about each new lousy minor setback ) about the shirt:

Me:  "You'd probably like to know that the hot chocolate from this morning just splashed all over my shirt and ruined it." 
John:  "I'm gay." 

He couldn't resist the opportunity to make such a hilarious joke and bring levity to a (for me) nightmarish situation.  Because think of the retelling!  "So like the day isn't hellish enough, TURNS OUT MY HUSBAND'S GAY.  Like, my self-pitying caterwauling became so offensive to him that I actually reversed his sexual orientation."  The adding of insult to injury was too tempting, and John was killing himself laughing about it.  And it did what it was designed to do, sort of.  It got my mind off how much I hate my body and my life and the entire world and universe, and reminded me that my husband is funny and a great catch. He speaks my love language.  Hope he doesn't leave me for somebody who doesn't mysteriously keep getting fatter and fatter every week. 


Claire said...

Sorry you had a bad day! I think you're really nice and cute.

All8 said...

Hm, for a minute there I thought that I was reading about my life.

Have you gotten blood work done recently? It might be your thyroid isn't working as it should. If it's your thyroid, medication makes all the difference. My doctor says that when your levels are good, the weight will come off, as long as you're taking the medication, eating right and exercising.... (Don't burst my bubble if she's wrong, I got my blood drawn today and am still hopeful.)

If it makes you feel any better, I like you. Hope your day goes better.

beckster said...

Oh, Layne, it's just life, and it doesn't get any easier. That said, I will tell you that exercise does not really help that much with weight control, some, but not much. Exercise can just ramp up appetite. That's a myth, like all calories are equal. You need to read Why We Get Fat by Gary Taubes. It is a revelation, and it's interesting reading. (It is based on science, whoooooo.)It is really difficult to be a women and gain weight, I get that. Are these moods related to hormones? It helps me if I have an objective reason why I am being illogical, because I really hate that when I do it. I like it when I am superior and above the fray - LOL! However, sounds like you have the perfect husband for you! He must the king of diversion, and funny diversion at that. I told my husband this story, and we both laughed out loud. Keep looking for an OB/GYN you like; it's important. I always liked a female one better, too. Men just don't understand what they haven't experienced. OK,lastly, there is the South and there is the Southwest. Texas is the Southwest. I don't know where they still paddle in the South, but it is certainly verboten where I live, and has been for a long time. The South is a foreign culture, but so is Utah! We're all foreign cultures, but it does make life much more interesting, doesn't it? I hope you soon feel better, you have a good life.

Layne said...

All8--I actually am supposed to have my thyroid checked for my wonky hip problem, so it will be interesting to see what turns up.

Beckster--I agree that exercising doesn't help with weight loss, but I do it for mental health (meaning when it will make me feel better, I go on a walk or run, and when I don't want to, I don't). I do think it helps with weight maintenance, as long as you're not overdoing it, and you can rest assured, I am not overdoing it. I do think these moods are related to hormones--hence the search for a better IUD! Thanks for clearing up the South/Southwest confusion--the paddling that hit the news recently was in Texas, and I've heard from my friend who lived in Alabama that they still paddle there. I apologize for my anti-South bigotry. As a weird Utahn I should have more empathy.

beckster said...

Oh, no worries, Layne! The South is a weird place, I admit, and I am not offended when people say so. I am amazed that AL still paddles. Sounds like lawsuit territory to me. Yes, I exercise for maintenance of function and mental health. I do hope you feel better soon, I wasn't belittling your feelings.

Jenny said...

I'm totally laughing out loud. First of all, you are hilariously funny and that comment of John's is so priceless and funny- I can't stand it! I am getting fatter every day too! I try to dress more strategically, which will not work to well in Disneyland. Jeans and t-shirt and tennis shoes. Blah. Anyhow, lets have fun and enjoy life next week. I'm super excited. We can be fat together while our kids drive us all crazy and our husbands can be gay their matching shirts....holding hands...going on rides together!

Marsha said...

Please don't take this the wrong way, but this post has made my day and cheered me up enormously. You write well.

Sarah said...

Oh man, Layne, my eyes are filled up with tears of laughter...and probably, sympathy. There must be something in the air, 'cause I about had the break-down of my life yesterday, and was saved by a sick husband who's serving in a million different capacities, but still cleaned my toilets, which was almost as good as sending me on a trip to the Bahamas. I hate those days when I'm irrational, and somewhere I know it, but I'm just s'dang mad I can hardly see straight so every little thing is like the end of the flipping world.

I also think you are nice and cute, and whatever weight you're gaining must be in sheer lean muscle mass because you look fab.

Thanks for being s'dang hilarious.

Mike B said...

I too often will have a crappy morning with the kids but then try so hard to send them off with a sweet I love you. (you know, just incase their school gets bombed) I feel your pain!!!

Have so much fun in Disney land. I will just sit on my bed all day crying because we aren't there too!

Mike B said...

That was Jill not Mike. But now that I am logged into his account I should do a one word sentence comment in his name.

I am gay. lol

highdeekay said...

Alabama paddling: yes, they still do it and all the way up into HS. I had Laurels who would come to YWs and laugh about their latest paddling. They all said it is totally useless and that if given the choice, they'd get paddled over detention or something else. That should tell you right there it isn't working. Besides, it is absolutely insane to think it is ok to tell anyone (but particularly a YW) to grab their ankles while you paddle their buttocks (unless you are their parent, then a loving spank can do some real good!). The whole school system where we lived is decades backwards. No recess? No talking during lunch? No parents allowed in the classroom? I was driven to plans of homeschooling. So happy to have Eden in a school that wants parent participation and promotes a loving learning environment. Yay!

Sorry about the lousy day but thanks for taking your grief and turning it into our humor!

amy greenway said...

I realize that Kentucky is technically in the midwest but I say if they paddle, and they have southern accents they're southern enough for me.

I can totally relate to Heidi. Every bit. Our kids couldn't even talk in the hall. Not one whisper. They looked at me like I had 2 heads when I wanted to volunteer in my sons kindergarten class. His teacher also taught the kids that the word "the" should always be read "thee." If you want to sound like a total hick try replacing every "the" with "thee." Oh my.