Thursday, December 19, 2013

ascending krampus

So, we're agreed that Elf on the Shelf is, like, the dumbest thing ever, right?  I employ "Elf on the Shelf" as a shortcut in describing a certain kind of person or family culture I don't like, and my kids know what I mean.  A couple of weeks ago the kids were being so bad about getting up on time, and as a joke I shouted down the stairs that the Elf on the Shelf was so disappointed in them.  We all had a good laugh and it helped them get out of their grumpy lazy funk.

Well, I've been thinking about something . . . have you heard of Krampus?  He's sort of the anti-St. Nicholas, because he finds naughty children and stuffs them into his basket and takes them away.  He is often depicted pulling ears and licking heads of terrified children, who, to be honest, probably shouldn't have been so naughty in the first place.  And here's my theory:  the Elf on the Shelf is like a Krampus Trojan horse.  Krampus has had a difficult time breaking into our cock-eyed optimistic/entitled American culture, and Elf on the Shelf is his way to ease us into suffering actual, painful repercussions for our misdeeds.  Give him a few years and I bet the Elf on the Shelf has horns, hooves, and a ridiculously long tongue.  No more empty threats, no more coal in our stockings, now it's into the basket and away with Krampus!  I welcome this development--St. Nicholas has been so emasculated for so long; he doesn't even have any real power anymore.  We need somebody who can put some teeth behind the warnings.  You'd better watch out, indeed.
Oh my gosh, I didn't even notice until now--he has one animal leg and one human leg!  That is messed up.  Krampus, you crazy cat.  Boy, if anybody doubted that our Christmas celebrations are really just a Pagan tradition that was hijacked and given a churchy veneer by the Christians, look no further than our old pal Krampus.