Wednesday, February 5, 2014

I'm an athlete, I'm an athlete

I'm thankful that all I have to do to get the best version of something is put "best" at the beginning of the search request.  "Best red velvet cake," "best way to dispose of a body," "best way to dispose of a body in red velvet cake," boom, done.  The search engine would never dare return mediocre results when I've clearly indicated that I want the BEST and only the best. 

This morning there was a pile of cat barf on the rug near the back stairs.  It was undigested cat food, as always.  I'm blaming Groceries because I always do.  I think he suffers from stomach complaints--probably because he was raised on formula instead of cat milk.  Probably because I am a bad adoptive mother!  I need to do a better job of giving him boundaries.  "Groceries, no more barfing in the house!"  I must be firm but respectful. 

This morning on our way to school after Grant's and Emmett's orthodontist appointments we were talking about suckers, because they're on the orthodontist's list of forbidden foods.  Why would they even be hard to not eat?  Suckers are the worst candy!  I hate that stupid little stick that always ends up being mashed somewhere terrible.  Actually, I don't know if I can say suckers are the worst candy, because America has so many terrible candies.  Tootsie Rolls, and their demon kin the Frooties (also forbidden)?  UGH.  Skittles (forbidden)?  Starbursts (forbidden)?  Airheads (forbidden)?  Airheads are so gross.  I know I liked them when I was in junior high, but Ike and Willa bought one the other day and it for reals and trues smelled like someone had eaten strawberry foot sherbet, vomited, let it sit for a couple of days before mixing 1:1 with a Bahama Breeze Yankee candle and then packaging it.  Not okay, you guys.  But lest you think that the orthodontist is outlawing foods that nobody wants to eat in the first place, they also disallow Mambas and Jolly Ranchers, which are both fine candies, especially if you get the right flavors. 

It's almost time for the Westminster Dog Show!  I will watch the crap out of the video clips on their website, because even though I know casi nada about dogs and do not wish to own one, I do enjoy looking at them.  You can't smell them through the computer. 


beckster said...

Ah, cat vs. dog talk, huh? I own dogs, and I think they smell better than cats. Are those fighting words?
And this coming from someone who owns goats?!

Layne said...

Oh, I love dogs. I just don't want one. And I'm not talking about poop/pee smells--dogs have an ambient smell that cats don't, in my opinion. And my goats are outside and we have only females, so no smell issues. The story would be much different if we had a buck!

Christin said...

What other candies are forbidden? The only one I like of the ones listed already are tootsie rolls. Does this mean that I am a lazy sugar consumer?

beckster said...

Layne, you are in a mellow mood today! Yes, you are right, dogs do smell, and when they get wet, peeyew! I learn something every time I read your blog; I did not know that female goats did not smell. I am your opposite. I like cats. I just don't want one.

Layne said...

Beckster, I am ALWAYS mellow, and I will fight to the death anyone who says otherwise!

I think the reason I like cats is because they are like me--they only want companionship on *their* terms and I bet they're a tiny bit misanthropic.

Christin--also on the list are any hard candies, or chewy, stretchy candies like taffy. No 100 Grand candy bars. Nothing that could lodge in and pull off your brackets, so basically the whole candy aisle is off-limits. Which is a great idea, but you know they're just eating it all anyway. Kids today and their rock music.

Also, this is America, a free country, and you don't have to pretend to like Tootsie Rolls any more. Come into the light!