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Monday, February 24, 2014

certainly not about my one hundred percent compliant children

So, tonight we had to go to Grant's soccer practice after piano lessons, so we brought along a picnic dinner to sell it as a feature to the other children, rather than a punishment.  Also we had to do something family-ish, else we be cast into the lake of fire and brimstone for not observing FHE.  I'm not sure how to delicately say this, but two little girls who were with us pooped the park.  Like, snuck over to a pile of leaves and threw down a BM, then buried it in the leaves.  When our kids ran over and told us what had happened John went on a poop retrieval and disposal mission, but was unable to locate it.  He is such a good citizen.  I would say it was an unfortunate clash of poor timing and ignorance, but the elder of the two girls also pooped on the floor of the park restroom last summer, and thought it was ever so funny.  Does this make you all feel just a wee bit better about your child who bit other toddlers?  It should. 

Every year about this time I am forcefully reminded that I do not cope well emotionally with winter.  I need my Vitamin D or whatever.  This morning the children were late getting up, slow getting ready, Grant rejected his scrambled eggs because they were "too salty," then Ike sequestered himself in the upstairs bathroom, where he is not permitted to void in the first place, and then Grant and Emmett blamed him for their being late getting their teeth brushed and hair combed, overlooking the fact that if they had gotten up at six like they were supposed to IT WOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED, and then Grant missed the bus and I was finally so overcome with fury that I threw a plastic food storage container and broke it.  It makes me sad because I liked that container.  I guess I was also a bad example of how to process anger and frustration.  Well, another day, another headache.  Also I have tendinitis in my elbow from playing the guitar.  Why is that the preferred spelling?  It looks so wrong to me.  It should be tendonitis.  

Friday, February 21, 2014

papa shut the goldurn door

Paleta update:  so far our favorite is the toronja/grapefruit flavor.  John doesn't care for them because he is weird, but the children and I CANNOT GET ENOUGH of them.  We are crazy about them.  I made some fresa/strawberry ones last week and I think are in the Good category.  Texturally odd, because of the many small strawberry chunks.  Too jammy.  John liked them a lot more than I did, but he agrees that they would be better with some sweet cream mixed in. I ordered another mold this morning, because it's time.  I'm sick of not being able to make twenty paletas simultaneously!  I demand faster, more frequent access to the frozen treats of my choice.  Is this America or not? 

By the way, I think pies have begun trending, because recently there have been a few magazine mentions of specialty pie shops opening up.  Also I read another one about specialty cake doughnuts.  So basically I was right like I always am.  In a perfect world, a world in which I was a harder worker, I would be part of this burgeoning pie trend, but in the here and now I am going to sit this one out.  I don't like having my pies rushed, and I know my quality would drop if I were cranking out ten or more a day.  And it's not like my pies are SO AMAZING or anything--they're just homemade.  That's it.

I don't think our goats got bred this year.  The buck was pretty small, and we never saw sexual congress of any kind happening out there.  They certainly don't look very chubby yet, although I guess they'd still have a while to go before they really start showing.  I will be sorry if we don't have any kids--last year's breech kidding was pretty exhilarating and I do so love being a goat midwife.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

ow, my freakin' ears!

Warning:  this post contains adult language, though out of respect for the sensitive eyes of my mother and grandmother and the employees of the LDS church who sometimes read my blog, I have bleeped the big one

Here's another reason I love living where I do:  the other day I went to get gas at the little convenience store up the road from my house.  It is a quirky place, and the proprietress of said establishment is the receptacle of all the town news, since she is centrally located and talks to everyone, often at great length.  There was another woman in there buying chips and pop, and they were discussing the religious politics of painting Jesus playing the fiddle--would people be offended, could they just pretend it was a violin instead, etc.  Lainie broke off in the midst of our talk and said, "Oh, Layne, I've got to run your card again, I charged you for Barbara's shit."  There is something so funny to me about the juxtaposition of Jesus talk and swears.

Speaking of swears, you may be aware that I have a fairly high tolerance for swearing in the written word.  I don't care for it in spoken communication, maybe because the people I hear who rely heavily on swear words in their speech typically do not come across as super articulate, but I find it fairly easy to look past when I'm reading--or to enjoy, because the talent displayed by Ralphie's father in A Christmas Story is a real thing.  Some people really do work in obscenity like another artist works in oils or clay.  (Although technically Ralphie's father's talent is the spoken word, not writing.  Even so.)  However, and maybe this is just my imagination, it seems like people are going back so frequently to the F-word well that it's losing all its impact as a forceful word.  As a lover of words in all their variety I mourn the monoculture of the F-word.  It used to be reserved for extreme emotion, and now it's just bandied around like no big deal, and it makes me sad that people are limiting themselves to that one crayon.  Especially when there are other words that would probably work better.  For example, everybody is saying lately that they give "zero f*cks" about something, and I prefer the "zero shits" phrasing.  It just sounds better and makes more sense to me.  I also enjoy the "ain't give a damn" phrasing from "Hark, a Vagrant" number 331.  On the other side of the scale, I was reading an article last week in which the author referred to the singer Lorde as having an attitude of "we reject your horse shit universe of bling, you shallow, worthless f*cks you."  That is a terrific sentence, and even though normally I would encourage "shallow, worthless shits," in this case you can't do that, because you've just used shit earlier in the sentence and of the two swears, the horse shit one is the one that needs and benefits from it the most.  All I'm saying, people, is just shake it up a little.  Use all of your swear crayons, and our world will be richer for it. 

Friday, February 14, 2014

product may not stay: method antibac kitchen cleaner, lemon verbena


I have found the worst smell, and it is Method Antibac Kitchen Cleaner, Lemon Verbena scent.

Method Antibacterial Spray, Kitchen, Lemon Verbena, 28 oz Bottle - MTH01151
I don't know what this stuff smells like, but it ain't lemon verbena.  There is something so awful about an odor that is supposed to smell clean, but in fact smells foul and putrid.  And it lingers on and on--I used it once to attempt to clean my oven (was unsuccessful), and the smell stayed in our house for a month.  I have held onto it out of guilt, but this morning I used it to clean the toilet, which I realize is in direct violation of the product's stated purpose as a kitchen cleaner, but it also says antibac, so . . .

Anyway, I can't bear it any longer.  The whole house smells rancid and sour now, after just a few little squirts onto the toilet.  To the dump with it!  Product may not stay. 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

it was perfect

Some little thoughts: 

1.  I don't think marriage is really a right, though I'm willing to hear arguments to the contrary.  But our government has decided to make it a right by getting in the game of blessing and sanctioning marriage (which is technically an agreement between two people, and in the case of churchy folk, two people and God, so why the government is even in the mix is unclear to me), so I don't see how they are going to be able to argue that you can sanction heterosexual marriage but not homosexual marriage.  I predict the ultimate demise of any sort of legislation that only allows marriage between a man and a woman. 

2.  I almost set the house on fire last night because I thought I would just leave the burner for my boiled wheat (which I add to my yogurt for textural interest and fibrous benefit) on the lowest setting overnight.  Big mistake.  I don't know if it will ever not smell like burned toast mated with burned microwave popcorn.

3.  Do any of you have great budgeting tips that don't make you feel like you're living in a cage?  I would really like to become a grownup in this regard.

4.  I have been on a tear of listening to Swan Lake ever since we watched the Opening Ceremonies last week.  The children are irritated, except for Willa, because she wants to become a figure skater.  Pfft, she's already too old, I'm sure.  Ike wants to be a speed skater, and he is also probably too old.  Grant and Emmett are undeclared.

5.  I made an apricot cream paleta this week.  It was very good/delicious, depending on which family member was eating it--John rated it higher than I did. 

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

I'm an athlete, I'm an athlete

I'm thankful that all I have to do to get the best version of something is put "best" at the beginning of the search request.  "Best red velvet cake," "best way to dispose of a body," "best way to dispose of a body in red velvet cake," boom, done.  The search engine would never dare return mediocre results when I've clearly indicated that I want the BEST and only the best. 

This morning there was a pile of cat barf on the rug near the back stairs.  It was undigested cat food, as always.  I'm blaming Groceries because I always do.  I think he suffers from stomach complaints--probably because he was raised on formula instead of cat milk.  Probably because I am a bad adoptive mother!  I need to do a better job of giving him boundaries.  "Groceries, no more barfing in the house!"  I must be firm but respectful. 

This morning on our way to school after Grant's and Emmett's orthodontist appointments we were talking about suckers, because they're on the orthodontist's list of forbidden foods.  Why would they even be hard to not eat?  Suckers are the worst candy!  I hate that stupid little stick that always ends up being mashed somewhere terrible.  Actually, I don't know if I can say suckers are the worst candy, because America has so many terrible candies.  Tootsie Rolls, and their demon kin the Frooties (also forbidden)?  UGH.  Skittles (forbidden)?  Starbursts (forbidden)?  Airheads (forbidden)?  Airheads are so gross.  I know I liked them when I was in junior high, but Ike and Willa bought one the other day and it for reals and trues smelled like someone had eaten strawberry foot sherbet, vomited, let it sit for a couple of days before mixing 1:1 with a Bahama Breeze Yankee candle and then packaging it.  Not okay, you guys.  But lest you think that the orthodontist is outlawing foods that nobody wants to eat in the first place, they also disallow Mambas and Jolly Ranchers, which are both fine candies, especially if you get the right flavors. 

It's almost time for the Westminster Dog Show!  I will watch the crap out of the video clips on their website, because even though I know casi nada about dogs and do not wish to own one, I do enjoy looking at them.  You can't smell them through the computer. 

Sunday, February 2, 2014

snips and snails and puppy dog tails

I think this is a terrifically interesting article.